Yoga (I may be turning gay)

Having moved to Los Angeles I knew that I would eventually end up doing something that I swore I would never do.  I wish I could say I was talking about heroin but unfortunately that isn't the case.  What I'm talking about is YOGA.  A couple of weeks ago (the beautiful girl that I'm dating) asked if I'd like to join her for her yoga class.  My first reaction was "you gotta be fucking kidding me."  After some persuasion and promising of sexual favors I agreed.  I called up my aunt to borrow her yoga mat (which happened to be pink)  and was off to my first class.  

When I first arrived I was baffled as to why the girl I'm dating would bring me to such a place.  There was nothing but beautiful girls everywhere wearing next to nothing.  I have to give my girl credit for having the balls to bring me to such a place and not worry about me seeing all these other gorgeous creatures.  

So here I am laying on my pink mat, surrounded by beautiful women (wearing very little), in a steamy room,  that is very quiet except for the ambient sounds coming from the speakers.  I thought I had died and gone to heaven for a minute.  That was until the class began.  

The instructor arrived (known as the YOGI which made me think of Yoshi from Mario) and began the class with a calling to the Gods.  WTF????  This is where shit got really weird for me.  The next thing I know he is leading everyone through a series of meditation hums and what not.  It took every bit of effort I had not to laugh out loud.  A few snickers did however come out and nothing but angry glares were shot my way (fuck the bitches with the angry stares...they are probably vegetarians anyway.)  After we made it through the chants, callling to the Gods, and singing of some weird ass African tribal song it was time to begin actual Yoga.  

After the first five minutes I was drenched in sweat... I couldn't believe how intense and difficult this shit was.  I don't know if it was the lack of oxygen getting to my brain or the myriad of beautiful women poking their asses out in every humanly possible way but I actually began to enjoy myself.  I could tell I was getting a great workout because I had never sweated so much except for the time I had sex in a sauna while living in NYC.

So there I was doing Yoga and really getting into it when out of nowhere the unthinkable happened.  I was moving my body into the downward facing dog position (Yoga terminology bitches) when all of a sudden an uncontrolled fart released its self from my puckered butt cheeks.  I wish I could say it was silent and smelled like roses but this was not the case.  Being in an almost silent room this fart rang out like the dawning of a new morning.  My first reaction was to turn to the girl I'm dating and say "you could say excuse me."  This would automatically take the blame off me but for some reason I couldn't bring myself to blame it on her.  So there I was doing everything I could not to laugh and hoping that since it was so loud no one could pin-point exactly where it was released.  But then the smell hit like a ton of bricks to the face.  It had the smell of one of those farts you rip in your car on a hot summer day with all the windows up just so you can see how smelly your gas is.  I'm sure you're wondering how I played this off.  Well friends I did the next best thing.  I started making rude faces at the girl on the other side of me.  This would help insinuate that I was very upset that she would do such a thing.  After a couple of disapproval head shakes and finger motions to the girl on the right of me I was in the clear.  I had successfully put the blame on her and from the eyes of the others around me I could tell they believed that it was in fact this little girl.  The fact that she was asian probably didn't help her case either.  

I spent the rest of the class squeezing my ass cheeks together and praying that another slip doesn't happen.  It would be near impossible to blame a second fart on someone else.  Note to self...don't eat Taco Bell before Yoga class.  

Overall the experience was pretty good.  I got an incredible workout, I found out where all the beautiful women like to hangout, and the girl I'm dating repaid me for going with her with some things I'd rather not discuss on here : )  

The picture right below this is an example of the downward dog position.  This was the position I was doing when all hell broke lose from my bowels.

For My Mom

I've decided to write something a little different for this post than what usually appears on here.  This blog was started so that my family and friends could keep up with all the ridiculous shit that happens in my life.  If you've read any of the past posts then you know that I love three things: 1. women 2. alcohol and 3. acting a fool/breaking the law.  There is actually one more thing that I love more than any of these things and I don't discuss it much on here.  What I'm referring to is my family.  So this post is actually going to be about my amazing mother.

A couple of weeks ago I received a Valentines day package from my mom that was filled with candy, a few cards, and a  little book called "Eat Your Peas."  I read the card from my mom, I read the card from my dog buddy that my mom wrote for him, and I read the card from my dad that my mom wrote for him as well.  The package was filled with candy and I actually just finished off the last piece today.  The one thing I hadn't really bothered looking at was the little "Eat Your Peas" book.  

Tonight as I was laying in bed I noticed the little book with the ribbon still around it sitting on the bedside table.  I picked it up and took the ribbon off and proceeded to open it to the first page.  When I did this, 2 one dollar bills fell out.  This made me smile because my mom is someone who never carries much cash on her but every time she writes me a letter or sends me a package she gives me all the cash that she has in her pocketbook.  This usually means I receive anything from 1 dollar to 4 dollars.  Its a shocker when there is actually a five dollar bill (this has maybe happened once.)  When big bills do arrive in a letter I know that my father must have been in the room when my mom was writing me.  

Anyway, after setting the money aside I began to read this little book that took about three minutes to read.  By the time I was at the end I was definitely teary eyed and felt an overwhelming sense of happiness and thankfullness.  In all the years I've been around I've never given my mom the credit she deserves.  So here it is:

Why my mom fucking rocks:

-she would do absolutely anything in the world for me (make me brownies when I come in high as hell and she knows I've got the muchies.  By the way, my mom has never smoked anything in her life and she does not condone it but she is still cool.)

-she is always in my corner no matter what (I got a well deserved spanking from an extended family member one time but when my mom found out she let this person know that if they ever laid a hand on me again they will be answering to her)

-Even though I enjoy doing ridiculous crazy shit, at the end of the day I care about and have respect for others and this my mom has instilled in me.  I definitely don't always do the right thing... but when it counts my mom knows I'll do the right thing.  That means a lot to me.

-I've done some stupid shit growing up and yet still my mom loves me more than anything in this world.  (hit and run, suspended from school, and stole the landrover just to name a few)

-She has taught me how to love, care, grieve, and live (I am an incredibly happy person and owe this to how my mom raised me)

-I was definitely a wild kid growing up and am still pretty wild but if my mom hadn't stayed on my ass I would never have made it out of elementary school, middle school, high school, or college.  (my mom forced me to study and never let me just get by... I'm so thankful that she whooped my ass into shape. )

-she has always been there for me even when no one else was

-More than anything I'm happy that even though my mom doesn't agree with or condone a lot of the dumb stuff I do she is still my number one fan and supports me more than anyone else.  

My mom is my best friend and even though I haven't always been great at showing how much she really means to me I know deep down she knows that she means the world to me.  I love who I am and its because I've had the most amazing kick-ass mom anyone could ever ask for.  

I mean how could this woman not be amazing... hellooooo she gave birth to Matty Smooch baby!

I LOVE YOU MOM and can't wait for you to come visit me in LA : )

I'm in Los Angeles baby!!!

Wow... where to begin.  First off, I apologize that I have not kept you well informed on all my happenings as of lately.  I seriously have been extremely busy lately even with being currently unemployed.  Let me begin by being dauntingly boring and telling you what I have been up to.  I'm currently working on a screenplay that makes Tucker Max's "I Hope they Serve Beer in Hell" seem like a children's book, I'm getting new headshots taken on Monday and then I'm going to begin meeting with agents, I'm applying at every restaurant in LA trying to land a waiter job so my days are fee, and I'm working on some music stuff.  So thats what's been taking up all my time lately.  Oh... and I've been running everyday and trying to get back into perfect shape.  In-N-Out Burger is not helping me accomplish this goal. 

Some crazy shit that has happened:

- I went to a party that Tom Morello (Rage Against the Machine guitarist), Noodles (The Offspring guitarist), Terra Patrick (Pornstar), Ryan Cabrerra (Fag), and Shifty (singer of Crazytown and lead on Celebrity Rehab and Sober House) were at.  It was at the Roxy and shit was nuts.  I actually talked with Shifty for quite awhile and since I'm a fan of Celebrity Rehab it was by far the highlight of my night.

-Today I was on the air for a good two minutes on Kiss FM shooting the shit and talking about girls with Ryan Seacrest.  This is not a joke... it actually happened.  Ryan Seacrest has a morning radio show on Kiss FM and I called in and we just started talking.

-I have been in LA two weeks now and am still DRUG FREE : )

-If you're reading this mom stop now... I spent the night at a girls house the other night (for confidentiality purposes the girl will remain unnamed) and some crazy shit happened that morning.  That night I had been drinking and decided it would be funny to call all my friends at 2 in the morning (it was 2am LA time but it was really 5 in the morning for them.)  None of them answered of course but I had a smile on my face knowing I had woken a few good souls.  William didn't find this to be funny.  So fast forward to the morning.  I'm asleep in this girls bed when all of a sudden a loud ass alarm starts going off.  I spring up and realize that its my phone ringing.  For some reason I had it on SUPER FUCKING LOUD and it was on the most hideous ring tone known to man.  There were a few things I didn't realize as I jumped out of bed that morning to shut my phone off: 1. I was still drunk 2. I was butt ass naked.  So here I am jumping out of bed naked as a newborn and stumbling drunk to shut my phone off when all of a sudden I step on something really furry.  I freak out and think that there is a Raccoon in the house.  This was the most logical explanation to me at the time.  I then look down and realize its a cat.  I now remember that the girl has two cats.  I make it to my phone (after having a heart attack from stepping on the fury beast) and see that its good ole' William Taylor calling me at 8 in the morning.  The rest of the day seemed to just suck and I owe the start of such a shitty day to William.  I will now not jokingly call my friends at ridiculous times because payback is a bitch.  I have however made William the gay character in my screenplay I'm writing : )

-I have decided to post a "10 Things I've Learned Since Being in LA"  blog once a week.  So at least you will have that to look forward to.  So here is the first one

10 Things I've Learned Since Being in LA

1. Asians can't drive worth shit (I'm sorry if I offended anyone but not only are Asians known to have small penises but they are now going to be known for sucking ass behind the wheel)

2. Going to run where there are a lot of hot girls running is the best workout motivator in the world (not only do I get excited about going for my runs now but I also seem to move at a much faster pace to try and impress)

3. A beer cost 5 dollars...God must hate LA

4. I found a cool bar that sells PBR for 2 dollars...Jesus loves you

5. I've moved across the country and the first really cool girl I've met is from North Carolina (WTF Mate)

6. You know the economy is bad when you find an ad on craigslist from a restaurant that is seeing people from 2-4 and you show up to find a line of over 100 people applying for the same waiter job.  This can be a little discouraging

7. The majority of people out here are actually nice

8. The valley sucks and so does traffic

9. I'm gonna make being broke cool (thats more of a promise rather than something I learned)

10. Dancing to music in your car while sitting in traffic is a good way to pass time (plus people look at you like your crazy and then they smile because they see how good of a time you're having.  This inevitably makes sitting in traffic for them less of an irritation and more of a celebration)

I LOVE YOU ALL... William is GAY : )

I Popped Champagne with a Hot Girl in a Clown Suit Below the Eiffel Tower

My first night in Paris I was fortunate enough to meet and befriend Kelly, Jamie, and Kathryn who were all friends from Buffalo, New York. They invited me to join them in the park below the Eiffel tower for drinks. So we stopped by the grocery store picked up a 26 pack of beer, chips, and a baggett. There are about 4 strips of grass that are each about the size of a football field. They span from the tower all the way back to the main street. I found out that every night around 8:00 p.m., people bring picknic blankets and what not and just hangout in these fields and drink. There are even guys walking around selling bottles of champagne and wine. Every hour on the hour for ten minutes the Eiffel Tower has a light show thats pretty cool to watch.

Kelly, Jamie, Kathryn, and I had set up shop in the middle and began to drink like fish. It was a great beautiful night. But the night really took off when out of nowhere this girl wearing a clown suit pulled up on her bike and began talking with us. I have a quote from her of the one thing she kept asking me "Can I see your cock? I think my friends and I would like to see your cock!"

She was actually pretty cute and incredibly funny. I forget the reason for why she was riding around in a clown suit. She was in college in Paris and I think the clown suit had something to do with her celebrating for just finishing final exams. On a side note: I did not show her my cock (see mom, I'm not a whore). But I did ride around on her bike with her and we did pop a bottle of champagne.

So here I am, my first night in Paris riding around on a bike under the Eiffel Tower with a cute girl in a clown suit while drinking a bottle of champagne. Life doesn't get much better than that.

Here are some pictures above that have the Eiffel Tower in the background.

This was just the beginning of the night. The next post is about what happened later in the night and its titled "Driving a Vespa Drunk. Good or Bad???" Which then lead to "I Didn't Shower for Three Days and still Hooked up with a Hot Girl who Made my Top 5" KEEP CHECKIN BACK FOOL

I'm Feeling like a Criminal on the Run

So my last day in London I'm walking around in Soho and for some unexplainable reason I walked into a salon and got my hair dyed blonde!!!! There are a couple of reasons for this drastic decision: 1. I wanted to do something different and being afraid of needles made getting a tattoo or piercing out of the question 2. I wanted to feel like I was on the run and had to change my looks... It was like I had to be in cognito when leaving for Paris in the morning. So I walked into the salon and got my hair dyed blonde. When I left for Paris the next morning I honestly felt like Hannibal Lecter on the run except I don't eat people "Hello Clarice."

You have to picture me walking through customs in Paris with my dark aviators on and this blonde hair hanging down to the eyes... RUNNING FROM THE DEVIL

Girls from Peru know how to Kiss but I know how to Bite

London is a very unique city with tons of things to do. I spent 4 nights there and still didn't get to do everything I would have liked.

My second night in the city I ventured out to the Picadilly Circus area which consists of lots of bars and clubs. This is the area right by Soho. A lot happened to me in this area. I ended up at some three story nightclub. It was a Sunday night so it wasn't busy at all. I was having a fun time throwing back pints of Guinness and hitting on the bartender using every pickup line I knew when out of nowhere two girls come up to the bar beside me and start speaking spanish. Having just been in Spain and being full of beer I begin to hit on the girls in spanish. This turned out great because my spanish was so bad that they found it cute and invited me to join their table.

Talia and Andrea turned out to be from Peru and had just finished studying in Milan. The rest of the night we played Truth or Dare, Never Have I Ever, and had a number of Dance Off's. By the end of the night we had gone through 4 bottles of wine not to mention all the previous beer. Here are some pictures:

I love girls who know how to have a good time and aren't afraid to let loose. Talia and Andrea were the queens of a good time.

P.S. Girls from Peru are very good passionate kissers : ) Although at some point my lip got bit so hard it bleed WTF

Bonjour

I feel like every other post is an apology for not keeping this thing updated daily. So once again let me start off by saying I'm sorry blah blah blah. Things have been crazy here in Europe. London was absolutely amazing and I will have a couple good stories up about in the next few days.

I'm in Paris now and I'm in love. The women here are the most beautiful and most fashionable I've ever seen. NO JOKE... I was walking down the sidewalk and 4 out of every 5 girls were hot and 4 out of every 5 were wearing some kind of cute skirt or dress. I don't have time to write much because I've gotta start drinking... JUST KIDDING...but seriously I do so I gotta run. Here is a short list of post that will be coming in the next few days. You don't want to miss these next few stories. Some crazy stuff has happened the past few days. Here are the titles:

-Driving a Vespa Drunk. Good or Bad???

-I Visited Jim Morrison and Oscar Wilde at the Cemetery

-I Didn't Shower for Three Days and still Hooked up with a hot girl who made my top 5 : )

-Girls from Peru know how to Kiss

-I Popped Champagne with a Hot Girl in a Clown Suit below the Eiffel Tower

-The Louvre (need I say more)

and many many more to come : )